Some Closure

Well all,

This has been a really amazing stretch now for the past several weeks. Lent and the Bona Opera obviously ended rather well and while I still have some work to do, I think this Lent taught me some very outstanding things about myself, and per my previous post, I think the things I worked to achieve are not accomplished but are certainly well on the way to being worked on in a more holistic and complete sense.

We are back in May now, and it has been almost a year since I began this Oblate journey. I just this past week completed my 3rd and final time through the Rule (for the novitiate...the reading daily continues now forever) and wrapped up my 11th Month Reflection which was an outstanding introspection into how I have grown into the same kinds of good works as the monastery in my journey through the lessons and effort I've put in thus far.

I have received the final reflection lesson and I have yet to open the envelope. Those that know me understand I am a very sentimental person, and so while I am excited to bring this latest chapter in my life to a close there is a certain amount of reservation as I hold that final envelop and realize a wonderful year of formation and education will be passing into another chapter of even more wonderful and in some cases unnerving growth. I think that's a natural reaction! The gut check moment we all have when we realize we are about to commit to a way of life in a manner of speaking, and something I take very seriously in almost all the things that I do.

There is also a part of me that continues to feel unworthy of this experience. I think this is normal too. It is a little overwhelming to be honest and I am prepared for it...just a little hesitation which usually follows me into these kinds of things.

In other news I have been formally asked by the Archabbey to be published! It's rather exciting for me to be able to be a part of the Oblate/Lay person writing team there and contribute to the body of work the monastery produces for the public. It ought to be a very inspirational journey, and one I look forward to assisting with.

There is one more reflection assignment which I should begin here shortly, the Regional retreat which is my official one year anniversary, but I will be invested at Saint Meinrad a few weeks later during the June Oblate Study Days.

Thanks to all my close friends and family who have supported this journey, and I look forward to someday returning the favor!

Pax!

Nick

Bona Opera

Bona Opera is the Benedictine period during Lent where additional fasting,prayer, and work are put in place to strive harder for that great love God has for each of us. For Oblates, this period of time is full of reflection, tons of prayer, and a unique opportunity to rediscover why you are committed to Oblation as a way of life.

 

At the start of Lent the Archabbey sent out cards to each of us undergoing the Oblation novitiate. The instructions are rather simple: Find examples and ask for the Abbots blessing for the 3 key areas that focus around Ora et Labora. The 3 areas for study and reflection contain Prayer, Fasting, and Charity. In each of these areas we are requested to offer up something in each area to draw ourselves closer to God, and submit these requests for approval as , "nothing is permitted outside the abbot" and his permission.

 

For 2012 I have my typical lenten ritual of getting rid of a TON of things like, pop, candy, alcohol, etc. These "luxuries" are in fact just that, and to give them up can sometimes be both difficult and beyond challenging! In addition I usually add a little something, so I have a lenten book I add to my reading of the Rule each day, as well as the Little Black book which I review with my wife before bedtime. At the very least I get a prayer in at the beginning and end of each VERY hectic day.

For my Bona Opera I asked for 3 things in the key categories:

1) PRAYER: Addressing Abandonment Issues

2) FASTING: Increase fasting to 2-3 days per week

3) CHARITY: Listen MORE than opine to friends in need

I'll address these individually.

_______________________________________________________________________

PRAYER: Addressing Abandonment Issues

 

Anyone who knows me well knows this is of particular difficulty in my life. I have always struggled with abandonment which has led me down some very dark paths in my life. To pray on this, and additionally to meditate are great steps at beginning the often arduous process of releasing those issues and demons. To supplement my efforts I also purchased an incredible book (which has taken priority over my other book reading) called, "Abandonment to Divine Providence" by Father Jean-Pierre de Caussade (1675-1751). In it, it has challenged me to really learn how to fulfill my daily duties with God-given purpose. As many people know this certainly isn't easy for anyone, let alone someone struggling with this kind of thing in their past, but so far it's been stirring and an extremely good short read. 

Within the text I am beginning to understand that "giving up" process we all must go through with God, and how to learn to let yourself live with some of that. It can be difficult to live outside of your own control, but learning to rely on God for those things is something very different in terms of concept for me, and something altogether very real in it impact on me.

FASTING: Increase fasting to 2-3 days per week

At the height of my weight loss a few years ago, I was basically fasting quite a bit. I would say regularly. That went by the wayside last year after I got struck with mono. Lent basically asks us to do this one a few prescribed days during the observation, so I increased that to a few more days to genuinely affect my perceptions on what it means to do without, to give up of something, and to focus my energies on God-given tasks versus my own.

So far I have been pretty successful with this and consequently the scale is reflecting some of that. I've leveled off at a place where I feel pretty good, and can confidently say it is having a profound impact on me during the season, so I feel particularly blessed this year.

CHARITY: Listen MORE than opine to friends in need

This is a shout out to my peeps...I KNOW I TALK TOO MUCH! :-) This excess is strictly guarded against in the Rule. My career is ALL ABOUT talking, and so often times this bleeds into the other areas of my life in undesirable ways.

This Lent I have had mixed results thus far, but I think the balance is in the right direction. I was made the way I am for a purpose...and so to contradict some of that for proper reflection can be a challenge for me. I continue to work on this area during Lent and feel good about those efforts.

_______________________________________________________________________

The rest of Bona Opera is recommitting to this life. Recommitting to the life of a monk, or to Oblation as a worthy industry suited to those that endeavor to follow St. Benedict'e Rule. You are asked to pray and then in writing notify the abbot of your decision directly. For monks, it's a binding resolution that really doesn't afford the choice of leaving.

For the Oblate this commitment secures your desire to continue for another year. The fact that the leeway exists is a strange concept to someone so locked into black and white sometimes, but I appreciate the merit of the ask. I haven't yet completed my journey through Oblation, but I plan to recommit so as to truly learn to benefit from this type of lifestyle.

With the abbot's blessing literally in my hands, I feel confident that what I have chosen to do here is both real and lasting.

 

Just the other day I received my 11th month reflection assignment...wow. The time has literally flown by! I am in the process of reflecting on this among other things, and prepping myself for Oblation in June.

Pax!

Nick

What a Week

This week has truly been a remarkable one, with both it's challenges and rewards. I of course have nothing to do with any of these things. In fact, I feel like for the first time in a long time God is the one whose doing all of this, and that's been something I've longed to feel for quite sometime. It's been awhile.

This week brought me some exciting news! I have been elected to the Parish Council at the Cathedral, only to find out today that I'm going to miss several of the meetings due to work. I was invited and accepted to join the 4th Degree Knight of COlumbus, only to find that I don't have a tux and dropped some benjamins on getting one.

I've had some personal struggles this week, more so and more intensely than the past few months. That was unexpected as well.

To top it all off, I've even had to sequester my Facebook page since I share many religious articles and such that are meant to be shared only to get shot down by random people who NEVER talk to me accept to cause an argument. (I fixed that by restricting their access to my page). I mean wow. It's quite a lot.

However, at the same time I've been inundated with friends who are struggling with faith, God, silent time being needed...it's been a whirlwind week!

I guess this goes to show what God gives he takes away! :-)

I'm taking it stride of course, and feel amazingly blessed to be a part of all of this wonderful change in my life. I had a brief relapse into some old thinking about the past this week too and had to knock that one out of the park entirely. It was rather easy and surprisingly so! I guess I am starting to get good at trusting in God to let this all go away right?! :-)

Overall, the balance of the week has been positive, and I am better for all these things. In the meantime I continue to look forward to the future but embrace each day as it was intended to be, by God's grace.

Thanks to all my friends who've been out there this week.

Thanks be to God.

Nick

Leprosy

The past several weeks have really isolated me in many ways personally from my closest friends. It seems "the world" has had it's way lately, and has completely dominated the once fruitful relationships I've grown to treasure. This isolation has me going crazy on almost every front internally, and while I scour my brain trying to get a grip on what's going on...today's Gospel actually shed some light on my situation, and I feel compelled to share.

In today's first reading in Leviticus, the discussion is all about leprosy, about what is clean or unclean. What the "law" prescribes as the necessary steps to eliminate or purify to simply live with such things. During the Homily, the association to the gospel was almost too deep to fathom until this evening when I had a chance to review in my head what is exactly going on.

In the Gospel,  a leper approaches Jesus and simply asks if it be His will to cure him of his disease. In doing so Jesus instructed the man to say nothing of it to anyone else so the good works may manifest. The man utterly amazed went about telling the whole of the town (where word spread rapidly) and soon after Jesus found himself not able to enter many towns at all the throngs of people were so great. Jesus of course knew this would happen, which is why he asked it to be kept quiet. But the man's strength and willingness to break sacred "law" and even approach Him was proof really enough.

In a moment, I realized that in curing the leper of his ailments, Jesus himself in a manner of speaking became a leper (figuratively speaking of course). He couldn't really enter a town at all due to the amounts of people who heard he may be passing through. Like the lepers of the day he was really forced to the outskirts of town in order to preach his message in a way that would be most productive. Wow.

To think he knew this would happen. Amazing. Though eventually most of his life he was treated such, despite His incredible good works. When this realization hit me, I was shocked.

I don't claim any association to this story accept in one key area.

Isolation.

I can't imagine being shunned by my fellow man in such a way. To not be permitted to access a place because of some physical ailment that simply was misunderstood, wrongly diagnosed, or simply a way to control a population...who really knows the ultimate aspect this was used for.

Being cast aside by your family or friends for fear. Upset because of a perceived evil sinfulness that didn't apply. The naivety of it all.

Many of my closest friends have in a sense fallen victim to "the law". I'm too busy. I don't have time. This rationale is strewn about in a manner that while seemingly sensible given today's events, are flatly unacceptable. Why do we put ourselves into these situations? Why do we make ourselves lepers to each other? Why do we force others into "leprosy"?

I am no leper.

"The law" of the world has dominated the scene for too long now. I will no longer allow for these instances without extreme duress involved. Why can't we get together for an hour for a beer? Why can't we have a guys night and just talk like we used to? What is so personal it cannot be shared? What has changed such that these and other events are no longer "possible"?

Well, this isolation MUST cease. We have to stop turning to "the law" and be brave and seek the healing power of Christ. No...not for an ailment of physicality, but one of spirit and connection. We cannot continue to walk along this path and expect our situations to change. We must break with "the law" so WE CAN involve ourselves in the work we have God-given us!

As lepers cast aside from each other, we are adrift on the outskirts of town, unable to seek the refuge that awaits those who come together in His name. I sir, am no leper, and I will no longer allow these circumstances to dominate my life or my "friends" use these falsities to continue to shape our futures.

What is in the next 2 weeks, or months that requires delay? Tomorrow may not even come, and we have to make time to break from these bonds, so we can relate in this grace-filled time while it is still a possibility. Each day, hour, and minute that slips us by is another grace past upon which we allow ourselves to be afflicted. Let's stop this madness, and embrace as brothers of Christ are intended, and to hell with the "law".

If it saved the life on one eternally entombed in scripture, then it most certainly can apply to Catholic gentlemen in pursuit of a grace-filled bond which has temporally been grated to each of us although briefly.

Will you break "the law" like the leper did?

I just did...now is the time to reciprocate.

Nick

Pride

As I mentioned a few posts back the new year rang in the 3rd read through of the Rule of St. Benedict. This has become a daily routine for me now with few interruptions from everyday life. In the past few days, the Rule has been revisiting the foundations of monastic life, what to practice faithfully, what that really reans, among other things.

In all of that, something hit me this evening as I ponder the infinite before bedtime. Something I've gotten rather used to in the last few months. Aside from being up all night with the unending pondering of life, every once and awhile I get slapped in the face with my own blindness.

In case people don't follow my Facebook page, I literally flipped out my posts many of which have been heavily religious in nature. I don't often post crazy like that, but really felt the need to defend somethings, educate on some things, and share some information I came across while reviewing things in my mind.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I come across proud. Too proud. And I've thought a lot about what this means exactly, considering the sources in those instances, but nonetheless counting those occurrences. And within the readings the past few days the impression of pride without it really being said has become quite clear to me. The timing couldn't be more appropriate.

On one hand, my pride has shaped my life. I work hard. I've worked hard my whole life to achieve what God has given me. When I look at those things, human nature nearly demands a sense of pride in those successes, a self-nurturing fulfillment that some goal has been met, or challenge overcome. I am proud of the work that I do. The way I treat people. How I interact with my friends. What people in my life mean to me. And certainly in those things which I've given so much, gotten nothing in return, but know I did what no one else could. Is that wrong?

I suppose in truth, the answer is no. Not on the surface. Having pride in ones self is something I completely lacked as a child. Having no love (aside from my mom), and no real self-esteem, when I finally began to achieve, I simply latched onto the concept, and that has been with me for decades. (Boy is that word terrifying to use). But the delivery of things I say. My body language. Apparently I give off a vibe of being too proud. Well...I think I am.

Rather than debate further the merits of pride to ones self-sufficiency, drive, or reactions to life...the Rule makes it pretty clear that there is no room for this kind of pride. Pride in of itself may not be bad when exercised against the grace given to us by God, but I think somewhere along the way, I made pride a "thing". And in my readings, studying, meditation and reflection, we are warned of this and encouraged to shun this selfishness from our existence and to prefer nothing than to God, and what actions please Him. My pride in some things has become a possession. Something that has anchored my development in many areas, yet...somehow has defined achievement in my life. There was a recent time in my life where, while going through some personal growth, I lost that pride, that stalwart self-reliance that made me such a dominant personality in my late teens and mid twenties. But I lost it over doubt and failure.

Gaining it back again was a real challenge for me. SO...with all this recent in-my-face pride apparently...how can I just let it go?

I don't think God gives us parts of our personality, or build us in such a way to eliminate those attributes which define our existence. There are parts of each of us that is required. Literally required in order for us to serve the purpose for which only He knows the ultimate goal and outcome. 

"Educating ourselves to become that which we are intended, necessitates us to be exactly that which we are." ~Me

The paradox is noted by this author. But how can we expect to be who we are intended to be if we are not who we are first. To accept those attributes which are flawed, those attributes which shame or ail us...we simply cannot get to where we are meant to go by being anything other than OR accepting ourselves as anything less than who we are. Our journey's are all winding, some more steeply than others. Those roads occasionally converge on guideposts. Lights on the road side. A glimmer through the trees on the adventure of life to aide us in identifying within the darkness what is there, and to see if even briefly the direction we must now go, no matter how hard or tortured the trail may be.

I accept many failings in my life. Frailties of my humanity. Weaknesses within my own spirit. And in the past 4 years, the lamps given to me on the road converged with committed souls gifted to me by God to point me in His direction.

I am a proud man on some things. I am proud of my journey even with all of its blemishes and stains, because it's mine and I own it. No one else can live it but me. And recognizing that pride as an attribute rather than a "thing" is the true challenge as I get through this juncture in my head.

I ask you to pray for me to break my grip on pride the "thing" and embrace pride in whatever way God wills it to be for me. Only through this growth in my life can I begin to modify what needs to be changed, and retain the uniqueness of the life I have been blessed to have been given.

Pax!

Nick

 

Appreciation

You know. Everyone has that yearning for appreciation. As someone said this week the need to feel loved, not alone or the sense of loneliness.

For myself I don't get particularly lonely because I am fortunate enough to have a very affectionate wife with whom I too appreciate very much. It's really the first tangible relationship I've had where my care for another person has felt equally returned...and I think that is frankly the point and goal of a marriage.

But, being someone who is so used to rejection from others, or feeling unnecessary which had permeated my last several years at UC has now made way for some truly remarkable changes in my life which has me wondering why I felt that way at all. Or better put, perhaps I was looking for that appreciation in ALL the wrong places. I've said that before, but the events of the past several hours have me waxing poetic. :-)

I have several very close friends who sometimes aren't there when I need someone there, or are too otherwise occupied with random other people or things. It had become increasingly frustrating over the past year really, but even more recently than that...there is a sting sometimes that I have to learn to get over. I have to get a grip with the fact that my life is changing, and with those changes, so too are my choice of friends, who I want to spend time with, and who really deserves the time I have left over. I also grapple with loyalty. I am loyal to the people I care about, even when I don't feel that back in kind most of the time. I think everyone has the best of intentions, they just suck at execution. And that is quite ok. I'm beginning to gather that others simply CANNOT care like I do, and while that is regrettable to a certain extent, I'm glad to know that a few of those people will have been loved and are loved more than they know, and more than I can express...and I think it's the lack of expression that I sense and intrinsically feel that frustrates my psyche sometimes.

All that said, I am in month 9 of my Oblation. It hit me the other day when Fr. Meinrad, my spiritual director wrote me a very kind note even though he is recovering from some cripplingly painful back surgery. The guy fell while a paul bearer for a deceased monk in procession to the grave, and fell down the abbey steps. The crushed disk in his back be damned, the man still has the existential compassion to write me on my journey. That is true affection.

At the Cathedral today, while in recession, Fr. Barry my Pastor rather loudly asked me to see him in the narthex of the church. When I got to him, he asked me if I had a minute, I said sure and I met him at the blessed sacrament chapel. He looked at me rather sternly and then he eased his eyes and said, "I thought you left me!"

I was pretty instantly surprised. I mean I hadn't been to Mass since the holiday but I wasn't expecting him to react as he did. After a brief explanation, he invited me back to the rectory (my 2nd visit) to join the choir in a prepared brunch with their families. Having been so sternly approached I felt the need to hang out so I went with him. I got to finally meet several in the choir whom I've seen for years but never met. Everyone and their families were extremely gracious. The Deacon, the chef (a good friend) and her husband, and the choir director (who actually knows my name apparently) was a welcome, and wonderful experience.

Many of the old ladies in the kitchen , the chef, and Fr. Barry and I hung around and chatted over some Mimosas, and had a great time. I am reminded here that I am so very fortunate to have such outstanding friends and brothers and sisters at the Cathedral. Even though the parish is disparate and loosely joined, I wouldn't have it any other way. The fact I got to chat with so many wonderful and in some instances new friends, was just awesome and wholly unexpected.

I guess I was overwhelmed by it all. I got back in my car and just sat there for a minute thinking how amazing my life is and how lucky I am, despite my issues, problems and failings.

I am finding that this separation I am having with my old things is a very GOOD thing. I am having some serious flashback nostalgia going though (it's the time of year) and I am doing the best I can...days like today make it very easy to see where the future can possibly go, and I am reaching for that future with WIDE open arms.

I am missing some people, some things...but as with all things in life I am learning (albeit slowly) to let those people and things go in a sense.

Nonetheless...I am learning and trying as best I can...even though some parts still suck.

Growing.

Nick

2012 Milestones and Change

Well,

Now that the holidays are over, and I've had some time to relax, think, ponder and have a little fun I can honestly say that even with the challenges 2011 brought me, it also started me on a new journey in my life into new areas and an even more intense focus on faith.

2011 brought me The Knights of Columbus, my Oblation to the Benedictines, and has me on the road to the LPMP program at the Seminary. Lots of course to be thankful for just there alone. It was a year full of much heartache, difficulty and challenges some of which I was successful, and others where I failed. It's easy to look at the high level view of the balance of the year and say I had more failures than successes...and frankly, that may very well be true. In fact...I would wager that statement is accurate.

I find with change in my life comes intense moments of weakness. Weaknesses that are old, some that are new, but all of which have been great learning experiences for me as a man, a friend, and as someone who is growing so rapidly, I have a hard time keeping up with it all. As old doors close, 15 new ones open, and I find myself pondering greatly the direction I ought to take. I am as it is going in so many directions, it can be a challenge just to digest it all.

In 2012 the things I started in 2011 will culminate in a series of very powerful moments. My Oblate completion, my K of C 4th Degree, and several retreats, church activities, the Archdiocese Young Adult Conference, and starting classes at the Seminary.

My wife has been very open and supportive of the things I've been pressing into, but I can see the wear and tear it is having on her, as many of these activities she can participate socially, but not much else. I am ever constantly watching her ...and I say there were points of 2011 where she couldn't handle it. Marriage is a wonderful vocation, and one that I consider myself blessed to have found and been given, but with that there are serious challenges to the extent of my own ambitions and those of OUR ambitions. That compromise affects me daily, and I will say honestly there have been times I've taken a pass on opportunities and other items because of a mindfulness of OUR goals. Those things are often fleeting and less rewarding than I expect, but they bring a commonality to my marriage that I simply cannot live without. The satisfaction I can see in something as small as canceling plans to have a night in and do the dishes bring her more joy than any grand party or event I may bring her to.

So...it's an interesting experience, and one while with it's own challenges I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. That then is the secret. Learning to integrate and subdue my passions for the betterment of my spouse. Something I will be watching cautiously in 2012.

The close of 2011 also brought me another milestone in Oblation. I completed the 2nd read of The Rule of St. Benedict. I must say that the content this time around was more thought provoking than before, and it amazes me how different things stick out versus the prior run through. I have one more complete read through to complete that portion of the cycle, and I must say that having that reading a part of my daily life for the past 8 months have really been wonderful and is obviously something I will continue.

I've been known to have a theme for any given year. 2010 was learning about and living like St. Paul. 2011 was "2011 Changes Everything" which I think I've captured above rather well! :-)

What will it be THIS year? What will 2012 be all about for me? I've been giving this some thought...and here are some of the things I've come up with so far:

1) 2012 - One Day at a Time
2) A Year Like No Other
3) The Year of Letting Go
4) ...
5) One Giant Step...

Each of these themes have something that means something to me very personally. I almost went with The Year of Letting Go in honor of one of my former co-workers. She is so funny!!! I considered it because in 2012 many of my close friends and activities will be leaving or ending and I have a tough time letting go of people I really care about, even though it is an essential part of growth and life. But that seemed too negative for something that will really be so more uplifting!

So I ended up not picking any of them! LOL

I decided I'd go with:

2012: "Rejoice!"

The year reference is obvious but the "Rejoice!" is something of a reference to St. Paul's insistance that we prepare for the coming of God. It also has an ETERNALLY positive connotation that I hope will permeate all of my encounters this coming calendar year. Loss, change, success, AND failure all while focusing intently on the fact that God is WITH ME. Something I honestly struggle with some times.

I felt it rather fitting, and look ahead to a wonderful year full of many things to be thankful for and many things that will as always shake my foundation and draw me ever closer to Him.

A HUGE thanks to my many friends, brothers, family, mentors, and my Spiritual Director for really giving me the perspective necessary to grow into the person I continue toward each day.

Father Meinrad Brune - Spiritual Director

Father Jame Bramlage - Mentor

Father Barry Windholtz - Pastor

This man is humbled tremendously by the touching joy I receive from all of these people on EVERY encounter, and I thank God everyday for giving my guides in this life pointing straight to Him.

Thanks to all, and here's to a joyous and thankful 2012!

Pax!

Nick